My Friend in Hell

by Luc Reid

“Dude, long time no see!”

“Yeah.”

“I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I figured, you know, you’re in Hell, so probably not great.”

“No man, not really.”

“Does that devil guy have to do that to you while we’re talking?”

“Yeah, he always does that.”

“But isn’t it, you know, painful?”

“Yeah. Actually, very painful.”

“They grow back, though?”

“That part’s a little gross. Let’s just skip it, OK? So how’d you get in here? They told me I couldn’t have any visitors, not even other Damned dudes.”

“Well, up in Heaven we get pretty much anything we ask for. I mean dude, the weed! And I have this thing going with Heidi Klum … I don’t know if it’s actually, you, know Heidi Klum, but–”

“Now I’m getting why they let me see you. I thought I was miserable, but the thought of you up there smoking weed with Heidi Klum while I’m down here just made me really miserable.”

“We don’t just smoke weed: we play Halo, we go to Santana concerts … Oh, and they’ve got these awesome air battles! Everybody gets wings, right? And you pack a picnic lunch–”

“Dude, TMI. Hell, remember?”

“Oh yeah–sorry. Anyway, I came down here because I wanted to ask you something.”

“What?”

“Want to get the hell out of here?”

“Whoa! Holy crap!”

“Sorry. I didn’t get you a little, did I?”

“Dude! Where’d you get that gun?”

“I told you, you can get anything you want up there.”

“There are little bits of burned devil all over me!”

“Sorry about that … and the smell.”

“Dude, don’t apologize. That was awesome!”

“Here, I brought another gun for you. Want to go play some real-life Doom before we ditch this place?”

“”You utterly and completely rock, man. But are they going to just let me in up there? Are they even going to let you back in?”

“I don’t know, dude. Anyplace has got to be better than this pit though, right?”

“But the weed! And Heidi Klum!”

“Yeah, but Dude … you can’t replace friends.”