Home Sweet Home

by David

Midnight passes, the new law takes effect. At first, nothing happens. About 12:20 Patricia’s climbing-rose wallpaper starts to move. Pastel pink and green dots are changing color, turning orange (orange?), swirling into new patterns, patterns that spell

The Home Depot,

with a happy homebuilder hammering away in 3D, with sound.

Okay, I shop at the depot, they have good stuff. Evidently someone knows what I like.

The Home Depot swirls around. The swirls form new patterns that are colorful and organic, and yes, they know what I like. But this I prefer to keep private. This better not be animated and with audio, but hard-core rhythm starts to grind out from a million microspeakers and some guy with my face and a horse’s member starts banging away at a groupie.

Shoving panic down. I have to get rid of this wallpaper. Patricia’s coming over. I’ve almost got her ready to move back in, and now this! The wallpaper abruptly changes to dogs catching frisbees, but I’m not fooled. This isn’t permanent.

“House!” I call. There is no answer. “House! Disable the new wallpaper.” The groupie is back.

“You don’t like me?” She pouts.

“I like you fine,” I say, “it’s just that this is not the time.” And why am I talking to wallpaper? Advertising nano is going to ruin my life. Unless this’s a glitch and they’re going to fix it soon. The wallpaper suddenly changes to a montage of historical ads. Cheesy jingles from the 20th century emanate from speakers that erupt like chickenpox all over the walls and ceiling. I run to the door (which is advertising some kind of mortgage refinancing) and it doesn’t open.

“Excuse me,” I say. The guy looks up from the ad and focuses on me. This is a little disconcerting.

“Sorry,” he says, “but you really should consider our offer. You’ll come out way ahead after five years.” The last part is muffled as the door slides into the wall and I dash out onto the stoop. Patricia is there, hand raised to swipe the identity plate. I almost knock her off the porch.

“I’m so sorry,” I start, but then my eye is irresistibly drawn to her dress. It seems to be an advertisement for home gym equipment above the waist and feminine products below. “I was going to say my house has been taken over,” I say.

She smiles. Words spell out on her teeth: “Yellow teeth? Don’t you fret. Ultra-white’s the brightest yet!” Today’s weather scrolls across her forehead. It’s going to be a nice day, she says.

The end