Purify

by Trent Walters

“Boy!” the copy editor cried.

Adolphius Equis, AKA Boy, had been chatting up one of the reporters to verify mutual interest when he heard the summons. He ran to the watercooler, poured himself a paper cup full, and tossed it back. He noticed the reporter was still watching him, so Adolphius grinned, lifted his black tie and mock-hung himself–tongue protruding, head lolling to the side. It got the laugh he’d wanted. He shot back a sly grin.

“Boy!”

Adolphius flicked drops of cool water on his face and dashed the last few meters into the copy editor’s office. He panted as realistically as he could manage. “Almost didn’t hear you, boss–what, with the noise of the metal fans.”

The copyeditor didn’t glare long at the absent-minded secretary. He stood and handed Adolphius a typed page with various corrections in red ink. “Take this to the editor. Don’t dawdle.”

In the reflection of the window, Adolphius adjusted his tie and pushed back his hair while he watched the copyeditor bend over a filing cabinet. Adolphius let a half-animal noise escape his throat, which he turned into a throat-clearing.

With a manila folder in hand, the copyeditor spun on his heel and snapped his heels together. “What part of ‘Don’t dawdle’ didn’t you get?”

“Just want to make a good impression, sir.” Adolphius marched out of the office, down the hall, and–out of eyesight–ducked into the bathroom to seat himself on the porcelain throne. He had reading material:

Hitler Wins Again!

(UPI) After conquering the world and ridding it of the filth of Africans, Americans, Asians, Eurasians, Hitler successfully purified the European blood down to the superior Aryan line. Of course, not all Germans measured up to the Aryan standard, and these genetic reprobates were swiftly dispatched. Superior Nazi scientists have since developed human cloning techniques, which lead to the ultimate purity. However, it has come to Hitler’s attention that some Adolfs of genetic variability are not wearing their mustaches between four and six centimeters. Effective immediately, all such outliers will be dispatched with due haste.

Heil, Hitler!

Adolphius finished his business, washed his hands, pulled out ruler and scissors from his back pocket, and trimmed the impurities.