Among the Naked Aliens

by Luc Reid

Dear Jiji,

You totally don’t understand why we had to get naked for the aliens. It’s a cultural thing, like how they like teenagers but they don’t like adults. Remember what happened to that fat researcher guy? That wasn’t an accident!

We found out our clothes were freaking them out, because only like three or four days after we got there (I get confused, you know their days are like nineteen hours or something long) their designated talker came up to me and “Virgin male, your clothes are freaking us out.” I don’t mean like freaking them out they were just nervous, I mean like freaking them out, after a while they start making that whiney buzz noise in their upper mouths, and in a few hours they get worked up into a frenzy and they come swarming around and tear you apart. So Angela and Betty and Gina and I all had to take off our clothes like, right away.

About the other thing, that’s not my fault! They have this thing where everyone’s either “virgin male” or “father” (they don’t care about the women, I guess), and the virgin males are always considered a liability, like they’re not supposed to feed them much and things so that they fight among themselves, and I don’t have those spines and things like they have! So when they stopped letting them deliver food from Earth and all we had left to eat was their food I was completely starving in like minutes or something. And Angela and Betty and Gina and I had been walking around naked for a while anyway, so …

Anyway, I’m just saying don’t change your VirtualBook relationship status right away just because I’m like, an interstellar diplomat and have to have sex with people to do my job. It’s completely not fair.

Lance