The Ninja’s Girlfriend

by Luc Reid

“Hold up, hold up: isn’t she that guy Link’s girlfriend?”

“Maybe she was.”

“Damn, John, you have to drop her–now! And go apologize to Link! What were you thinking about?”

“I was thinking about her fine–”

“Hey, hey, wake up and smell the stupid! Are you going to go let Link know you’re sorry or do I have to go apologize to him for knowing you? He’d kill me just for being friends with you!”

“I’m not afraid of that little freak.”

“Link’s a fucking ninja, man! Everybody knows that!”

“Yeah, I’m a big porn star too, did I mention that?”

“No, man, I’m not kidding! He killed like, three guys last year. He can breathe through his eyeballs. He can get through locked doors without even opening them! He can kill a guy and pull the body out of sight so fast it’s like the guy vanishes!”

“I can’t believe you swallow that stuff.”

“You’re gonna swallow one of those throwing star things if you’re not careful.”

“Listen, here’s what I’m going to do, you know, to clarify the situation. I’m going to go up to him at lunch and say ‘Hey, Link, what’s up? You don’t mind that I’m screwing your girlfriend, right?’ Then we’ll see if he kills me or not.”

“John, I swear to god I’m not kidding you, just think about this for a second.”

“If you think I’m afraid of some punk-ass kung fu geek with–”

“Hey, what the hell? Where’re you hiding? John? Shit, John? Oh, shit. Hey, Link, if you’re out there, man, I tried to–”