Handy Tips for Detecting Interdimensional Travelers
by Luc Reid
1. Say “Hey, you dropped something!” Interdimensional travelers will often look up.
2. Talk about historical events that never happened and look for nods of agreement. For instance, look at a newspaper while shaking your head in disgust and say “This is exactly like when Benedict Arnold invaded Canada.” (Note: in universe M-117, the so called “reality television” dimensional instantiation, this actually happened.)
This approach does not work as well in some countries, such as the United States, where most citizens are completely ignorant of history.
3. Dye a small, white Maltese dog electric purple and place a headset on it. While this is admittedly not the easiest possible approach, walking down the street with such a creature will tend to send most experienced interdimensional travelers into a screaming panic, as it approximates the appearance of a Dominating Brain Eater Colonization Beast from the RG-12 instantiation.
4. Invite the suspected interdimensional traveler on a picnic. Choose a cloudy day so as to avoid direct sunlight, which makes many travelers nervous and will tend to elicit a plausible excuse about why they can’t make it. Avoid sexual overtones (for obvious reasons).
Pack the following items: twelve mini-cupcakes with mint frosting; one or more bottles of tonic water; a small tub of potato salad, left out for at least three days to ensure it goes bad; and a variety of small pieces of tourmaline cut to give the appearance (to the casual observer) of normal toothpicks.
While at the picnic, set out the mini-cupcakes and take in hand one of the bottles of tonic water. Offer the suspected traveler the potato salad container to open and surreptitiously shake one of the bottles of tonic water. When the salad is opened and the traveler involuntarily fliches away in disgust, momentarily distracted, open the tonic water and let it spray all over the traveler. Stray drops will hit the mint cupcakes, turning the frosting pink if the individual is a traveler. If the frosting turns orange, the traveler is a disguised vortex bear from B-494, and you are in imminent peril. Stab it several times through the heart with one or more of the tourmaline toothpicks, or alternatively, get up and run like hell.