Archive for October, 2009
Bad Business
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
Business is bad in fairyland. Someone’s mixing iron filings with pixie dust and I can’t shift my stash for love nor money. Troll construction workers are rioting again too–renegotiating their contract they say. The only one’s hitting the street are the Sidhe union busters.
So, when the door’s kicked in, I’m a little bit taken aback. I’d pretty much written the night off. Sheckel’s already so strung out she’s summoning will-o-the-wisps to bring her bowls of cereal and I was thinking of indulging myself, except Sheck used up the last of the old stash and the new stuff is suspect due to aforementioned messed-up mixology.
But in the doorway are two trolls looking to unwind after an evening’s negotiations. One is holding his own broken horn in one hand.
“What can I do for you fine gents?”
“Want me to pluck your wings?” says one-horn.
“Fix you up shall I?”
“How much for the girl?” says the one who’s head is still mostly in tact, though what that counts for I don’t know.
“Who says we’re paying?” says the other. They both chuckle and snort.
I fill the baggies fast as I can while they circle Sheck. She’s giggling and they’re pulling at the sheets. I push back the shower curtain that hides my little shop and pretty much hurl the baggies at the troll’s heads. Both of them tear them open and inhale deeply.
Old one-horn sits down hard, eyes rolling. The other one grins, pulls on the power he just inhaled and a particularly large gun appears in his hand. Not his first trip apparently.
Still, pointing it at me is about as far as he gets. He’s already gray around the gills. His fingers shake and then freeze. He manages to roll his eyes to look at his comatose friend before even they seize up.
Then all I’ve got is two huge stone statues in my room. Turns out the new stash has been spiked after all.
#
Business stays bad. Spiked pixie dust stays on the streets. My stash stays unsellable.
On the other hand, though, turns out the stone Troll too market is booming. A rare commodity, I’m informed, highly valued by the Sidhe. So all in all things aren’t so bad for Sheck and me in fairyland.
My Friend in Hell
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
“Dude, long time no see!”
“Yeah.”
“I’d ask you how you’re doing, but I figured, you know, you’re in Hell, so probably not great.”
“No man, not really.”
“Does that devil guy have to do that to you while we’re talking?”
“Yeah, he always does that.”
“But isn’t it, you know, painful?”
“Yeah. Actually, very painful.”
“They grow back, though?”
“That part’s a little gross. Let’s just skip it, OK? So how’d you get in here? They told me I couldn’t have any visitors, not even other Damned dudes.”
“Well, up in Heaven we get pretty much anything we ask for. I mean dude, the weed! And I have this thing going with Heidi Klum … I don’t know if it’s actually, you, know Heidi Klum, but–”
“Now I’m getting why they let me see you. I thought I was miserable, but the thought of you up there smoking weed with Heidi Klum while I’m down here just made me really miserable.”
“We don’t just smoke weed: we play Halo, we go to Santana concerts … Oh, and they’ve got these awesome air battles! Everybody gets wings, right? And you pack a picnic lunch–”
“Dude, TMI. Hell, remember?”
“Oh yeah–sorry. Anyway, I came down here because I wanted to ask you something.”
“What?”
“Want to get the hell out of here?”
“Whoa! Holy crap!”
“Sorry. I didn’t get you a little, did I?”
“Dude! Where’d you get that gun?”
“I told you, you can get anything you want up there.”
“There are little bits of burned devil all over me!”
“Sorry about that … and the smell.”
“Dude, don’t apologize. That was awesome!”
“Here, I brought another gun for you. Want to go play some real-life Doom before we ditch this place?”
“”You utterly and completely rock, man. But are they going to just let me in up there? Are they even going to let you back in?”
“I don’t know, dude. Anyplace has got to be better than this pit though, right?”
“But the weed! And Heidi Klum!”
“Yeah, but Dude … you can’t replace friends.”