Wait, what?

by Luc Reid

He was telling her all about it.

“So I was all like, what, you want me to show you the fire? You want to see the fire? ‘Cause I can bring the fire if I got to!”

“What? What do you mean, ‘fire’?”

“And he was all like ‘You ain’t got no fire,’ and I was like ‘Don’t make me show you the fire, ’cause I will fry your head with that shit,’ and he was like ‘Fire, my ass, you just better give me that money,’ so I had to burn him.”

“Burn him with what?”

“With my fire! You know, my fire.”

“From where?”

“From my mouth! Shit, didn’t you hear what I said? And he just started running back to his spaceship with his head on fire!”

“Back up, back up. What space ship?”

“You got to have heard that space ship when it landed on Eighty-Fourth street basketball court.”

“I didn’t hear no spaceship on no basketball court. What’s all this bullshit about breathing fire out of your mouth and space ships?”

“But you know what happened then? You would never guess. He had a unicorn! On the space ship! And it just charged me.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about anymore. What kinda junk you been smoking this time?”

“No, no lie! Unicorn! Spaceship! And I tried to breathe fire on it, and you know what? They fireproof. No lie, those unicorns, they fireproof.”

“Yeah, well, whatever.”

“Hey, don’t walk away while I’m talking! I ain’t even got to the good part yet! You know what that unicorn did to me?”

“I hope he killed your ass, because otherwise I’d have to be listening to you talk bullshit just about now.”

“He stabbed me! In the chest! With his damn horn!”

“Which is why you’re still alive like that?”

“No, then he like, injected me with a space drug that makes you their slave, you see what I’m saying? And now I’m like, their slave.”

“So why don’t you go do their laundry ‘stead of bothering me?”

“No no, ’cause you know what I got to do?”

“What?”

“You really want to know?”

“Just tell me what you got to do.”

Then he breathed fire on her, and she ran away in flames. Good thing she was secretly a robot, or that shit would have hurt.