Archive for the ‘David Kopaska-Merkel’ Category
Everyone’s a Carnivore
Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
Sabertooth boy is dating a dental hygienist. He likes to surprise her. His smooth cold curves tickling the side of her neck make Carla shiver from head to toe. She likes to floss, gets DOWN with the unwaxed string, has plenty of uses for those big big teeth. Genetic Modifdication doesn’t bother her. In college she lived with a phytosaur, captain of the GM rugby team, now a personal trainer, lots of big teeth. A whole forest jutting out of that girl’s mouth. Lately, STB has been getting pangs of jealousy, can’t stop thinking about Carla and that rugby player.
STB is not an athlete. As an ambush predator, he played chess, a little scholar bowl in high school. But it’s not the sweaty locker-room thing that bothers him. It’s the teeth.
—
STB walks into the consultation room. Dr. Holden is some kind of human-dinosaur blend, probably a tyrannosaur. He’s seated in an tan upholstered armchair. STB sizes him up, one predator to another. “I could take him,” he thinks. The shrink smiles slightly, keeping his teeth hidden. STB looks around the room. No couch, just a brown recliner facing the doctor’s chair at an angle.
“Have a seat.”
STB sits. He’s not comfortable talking to anyone about his problems. Holden puts him at ease with a little chit chat, eventually getting around to STB’s feeling that he’s not satisfying Carla.
“In the bedroom. She likes teeth.”
The Doc smiles slightly. He recovers quickly; but STB notices.
“I’ve only got two, Doc. Sure, they have some size on ’em, But Gladys had a mouthful. And Carla’s always talking about them, even when she’s flossing mine.” He shudders.
“And my neighbor, Poison-ivy boy. He’s dating the beagle twins. Everyone knows when it’s their night to howl. Carla doesn’t ever make that much noise.”
Holden tries to reassure him, but when STB leaves, he’s more worked up than ever.
“She’ll see,” he shouts over his shoulder, “these babies have some action left in ’em!” He flicks his thumb off the right one.
—
About a half hour later, Holden tries to call STB on his cell, but it’s turned off. He calls Carla, but she doesn’t sound worried, says he’ll calm down. As she heads home, sweat-stained exercise outfit in her gym bag and family-size floss dispenser in her pocket, she starts to wonder. Is he in the apartment, waiting, teeth bared?
end
Fly away, now
Thursday, April 15th, 2010
The ladybug leaned against the window frame and crossed its lower right leg over its lower left. It took a drag from a nearly microscopic cigar and blew an even smaller smoke ring.
“Yep, this is all mine. I made the whole shebang,” it added, by way of explanation, seeing John’s look of confusion.
John had written about talking pigs, etc., but never a talking insect. Was one kind of talking animal more or less improbable than another? Somehow it seemed that talking mammals were more plausible than bugs.
“Hello! Anybody in there?” The ladybug pointed at John with the cigar.
“What? All what? The whole shebang of what?” John clicked save, though he’d written so little that losing the file wouldn’t matter much.
“Everything. The universe. Didn’t even take a week.” If an insect ever looked smug, this one did..
John shook his head vigorously to clear his mind. “Ha ha. It almost sounded like you said you created the universe. But you know, we already know who did that. There’s a book about it, maybe you’ve heard of it.” Having come to the conclusion that he was hallucinating, John had decided to play along.
Mistake.
“You think I’m stupid? Of course I know about the book, I wrote it. Surely you don’t think your primitive ancestors were equipped to handle the information that they had been invented by a bug. You don’t seem to be doing too well with it yourself.” The ladybug stubbed the cigar out on the window sill and tossed the butt out the window. John winced. He hated litterbugs.
“You know, that’s bad for you. Bad for the environment too. North Carolina and Virginia should never have gotten started cultivating tobacco in the first place. And, what’s up with evolution? Is it real? Are birds really dinosaurs? And, if you’re a benevolent God, why do bad things happen to good people? Is it really so we can have free will? Because, you know, I don’t think that’s a legitimate justification.”
The ladybug seemed to sigh. “I don’t think you’ve been paying attention. That benevolent god crap was something humans made up because they can’t handle the truth. Who said I was benevolent? Why should I be? Arthropods are “r” strategists. Have enough kids and some are bound to survive. Benevolence is neither necessary nor desirable. And it’s not like you’re real. All I have to do is snap my –”
SLAMBO!!
John scraped the bug guts off on the edge of the sill and tossed the book down on his desk. It was time for a drink.
end