Archive for the ‘David Kopaska-Merkel’ Category
Hesitantly, the doorman raised his hand
Thursday, August 13th, 2009
1. The mysterious stranger stepped out of the limo and into a gutter full of water.
23. “Besides the three of us,” her sister began, “who knows that Papa exterminated, in 1922, a race of albino dwarf landwhales near the headwaters of the Amazon?”
2. Carla let the curtain fall back into place; he was here.
22. “Josephine,” Carla gasped, “does this mean what I think it does?”
3. Willie dreamed of quitting his job as a doorman, leaving Lucille, and never entering a condo again.
21. “It’s a mask, you moron,” Josephine snarled, ripping the disguise off her head and throwing her pistol on the sofa.
4. The revolving door disgorged the black-cloaked figure like a gut-punched Linda Blair ralphing the Devil.
20. “We don’t see many Kurds in these parts,” Robin quavered, staring at the man’s distinctive schnoz.
5. With trembling fingers Carla spelled “extreme danger” on the telephone keypad and then hung up.
19. Willie had been meaning to tell Mr. Hood that the pet deposit didn’t cover jaguars, but he’d have preferred doing it with dry pants.
6. Willie noticed the wet footprints on the lobby carpet just as the elevator door closed.
18. Robin wasn’t home, so she stepped out into the hall, saw two people and a large cat enter her own apartment, and followed.
7. The phone rang again: Robin would never finish reading “Nostrilia” at this rate.
17. Willie sent the boys home with a promise that he would check out the fourth floor.
8. Carla raised the window and stepped out on the ledge.
16. Robin turned away from the door to find himself nose to nose with a menacing figure.
9. The leash was missing, not that you can really walk a 40-kilo cat, anyway.
15. The two boys were sure the woman who’d just climbed in a fourth-floor window had not been wearing underwear.
10. Willie dreamed he and Carla cuddled on a blanket nice as you please, until she poured hot coffee in his lap.
14. Her doorbell rang, but Carla was already almost to the next apartment.
11. “Cheeto! Come back!”
13. There was only one place the cat could be headed for.
12. A high-pitched scream ululated through the lobby like the ring of a phone in an empty house.
Home ranges and habits of mid-Atlantic weresnails
Monday, July 27th, 2009
In this study we identified weresnails in human form on the basis of two criteria: giant slime trails in their dwellings and nascent eye stalks on the days preceding a full moon. We followed human-form weresnails and used a modified tranquilizer gun to implant tracking devices on their shells at the onset of gastrothropy.
*
Gordon hurried home, dodging snow mounded where the plows had left it. He did love Elaine, desperately, but he had sworn never to bring a child into the world. He was afraid that his fear of what his curse would do to any offspring must have looked a lot like rejection. She didn’t know, and how could he explain now, when it was too late?
Elaine had cooked a wonderful meal: clam chowder, a green salad, and a spry young California Merlot with an unexpected kick. Then she told him.
“I felt sick this morning.”
“I’m so sorry!” he replied, wondering at her odd expression. “You certainly shouldn’t have cooked for me when you didn’t feel well. You’re feeling better?”
“For now. I don’t know what will happen in the morning.”
She finally had had to simply tell him. Then he gave her that look, and he ran.
*
The shell of the first subject shattered when struck by the tracking device. The tranquilizer gun had to be further modified before successful implantation was possible. Ultimately, time and location data for three subjects were successfully collected for three lunar cycles (fig. 1). Figure 2 shows movements of all three subjects, superimposed on a high-resolution digital elevation model.
*
Gordon could not sit still. He walked, trying to believe his son or daughter would be normal. After all, the gastrothrope gene was recessive, so unless Rachel had snail blood, their children would look fully human. He pulled out his cell phone.
“Hello!”
“Rachel, listen. I was just so shocked, but I want…” Then Gordon paused, bathed in moonlight.
“Me too, and…. This morning you looked…terrified. You don’t feel that way now, do you? Gordon? Gordon?”
His cell phone shattered on the sidewalk as Gordon underwent a transformation made excruciating by the salty meltwater covering the ground.
*
Unfortunately, aggressive salt distribution by county road crews resulted in destruction of the three remaining experimental subjects. The study will resume, with new subjects, after the last frost date in the spring.
The end