Archive for the ‘David Kopaska-Merkel’ Category
But Wait, There’s More
Monday, May 26th, 2008
Warn’t my fault that durn ice shelf cut loose. I was happy as can be to have it stay right where it set. But a man’s got to eat. After the GM plant shut down there warn’t no jobs. I was scraping by when I seen this ad on the TV, all about magic water fountains that never run out. I figured they’d need some salespeople. I rung the number they showed on the screen and sure enough, they had some openings. I went to a training session in a motel room. They didn’t have nothing to eat or drink cept water. Which, ‘cording to them, was free. I never seen such a cheap-ass bunch.
Guess that don’t matter now. I come on back and started travelin’. I talked about them water fountains and I lent one to Justin at the BP cos he said he would tell everybody where he got it. They started a-sellin’. I had four or five at the fourth of July picnic. I took a bunch of orders, and I sold ever one I had there with me. Pretty soon I couldn’t hardly keep up and needed to hire me some help.
That summer was drier than a coal-miner’s throat on Sunday, and the water fountains was sellin’ like crazy.
I knew the water come from somewhere. But I just kept sellin’. No, I ain’t guv it a thought. Don’t think no one else did neither. Not till all hell broke loose. An iceberg bigger than Alabama does attract some notice. I’ll be damned if it’s my fault it run over them islands, though. And it’s not like it run over ever blessed one. They’s more than 700 of them suckers, the way I hear it. I’m sorry about New Orleans, and Venus or whatever that italian city is. I’d make it up to ’em if I could.
Dunno where they come from. Ever’body been askin’ that. I ain’t got no clue. Don’t know nothin’ bout no flyin’ sorcers. I didn’t see nothing but that ad, and the fellow who ran the training meeting. He talked funny and he was real tall, 8 feet if he was a inch, but he warn’t no alien – he didn’t have them big eyes and bald head like they do.
The end
Cheese
Thursday, May 15th, 2008
A change had come over my office. I pushed back my chair, or tried to. I looked down. The floor was made of Swiss cheese and my casters were stuck. This was unusual. I gingerly made my way to the door. The door jamb, and the wall, were also cheese. I took a nibble?it was Monterey Jack. “Oh no,” I thought, “it’s that stupid supervillain.”
I squelched my way to Jolene’s office. It smelled intensely of Edam and something equally pungent, instead of that nice perfume she wears.
“Hey,” she said, “I hope you brought your appetite.”
I tasted her file cabinet: Gruyere. “Nice,” I said. She wrinkled her nose.
“I don’t care for it,” she said.
Then I thought of something. “The weather forecast,” I said. “It’s supposed to top 90 by noon.” The time? 11:15. Our offices are on the 9thfloor.
The elevator shaft was empty. A couple of people were looking down. I guess the ceiling wouldn’t hold the weight of the elevator after the shaft was chedderized. We would have to take the stairs.
There must have been 100 people in the stairwell. It was at least 100º in there already; the smell was almost overpowering. Our feet sank into the Velveeta stairs. We had to scoot the last two floors on our asses so we wouldn’t plunge right through. Outside, police held back a huge crowd.