Archive for the ‘David Kopaska-Merkel’ Category
The Man With Two Thumbs
Monday, September 17th, 2007
So this guy with two thumbs walks into a bar, and the bartender says “Hey! You can’t bring those things in here!”
Well, the first thumb says this is discrimination and it starts talking about class-action lawsuits and picketing and late-night visits from the middle finger and pretty soon it gets cited for disorderly conduct and hauled off to jail.
Meanwhile, the second thumb waits behind the bar in an alley with a couple of cans of gasoline and a book of matches from The Nether Digit, a nightclub on the other side of town, not just a nightclub, but a toe club, a place where you can have any toes you want all night long, two at once, even, if you’re surefooted enough, in those padded booths with the tasteful crimson and burgundy curtains. And while the thumb is waiting for the last patrons to leave the bar, shrouded menacingly in a grease-stained overcoat, a big shaggy dog trots up and eats it.
Street People
Thursday, September 6th, 2007
“Ow!” That hurt. The sun is just touching the façades on the west side of the street, and the crowds are still light. The first heel in the nose is the closest I’m gonna get to a cup of coffee this morning. Although I can hope someone will trip and spill some in my mouth.
“Excuse me. I didn’t notice you.” A high-pitched voice. Either a child or a woman.
“Are you blind?! The whole sidewalk is covered with us.” Okay, that may have been a little harsh, especially if I’m talking to a child. Yep, I hear sniffling. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just a little stressed. It’s been 13 years since I had any coffee.” Or anything else.
I guess the kid moved on. So now I’m feeling guilty, even as people walk all over me. Something light hits my cheek. A biscuit wrapper, from the scent. I can’t reach it with my tongue. Traffic’s picking up and more and more people step on me. I try not to make noise. Attention is usually bad. I eavesdrop. This is my only source of daytime amusement.
“I said ‘Honey, you don’t know.’ He really thought I would, on the first…”
“…bell peppers. That should do it. Don’t forget tonight…”
“…gonna eat all that? Cos if you’re full…”
Crumbs.
Smell, taste, hearing, pain. I believe they disable vision because that would give us too much pleasure. Some think it’s done out of kindness. Eyes are so vulnerable.
*
Night’s better. Sometimes a lonely person will stop to chat, even feed me. One time, a woman let me suck her nipple. I think she was a whore, but hey, I take what I can get. She didn’t come back.
Some of my night visitors are not so nice. They urinate in my mouth, smear dog poop on my nose, you get the idea. This kind of behavior is the reason we are put here. People are quite cruel, if not very inventive, and the State can pretend it doesn’t know.
*
Once a month or so my ex-wife comes by. She doesn’t feel sorry for me; she comes to abuse me. I didn’t know that girl was under age. Or that she had a weak heart. Anyway, I’ll be out in 12 years. Sharon may have moved several times by then, even changed her name, but I’ll find her.