Archive for the ‘Edd Vick’ Category
Benjo Fails to Connect
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
His last appeal exhausted, Benjamin Josiah Temple sits on death row and talks pop culture with God.
“I prefer to reveal Myself to those who have a true appreciation for Green Acres,” says God. “Of course, Lisa represents chaos to Oliver’s flawed manifestation of order. Happiness for one is shopping where happiness for the other is starting a farm. Without either, there would be no marriage, no true happiness, no television show. Talk about your Odd Couples!”
“You gonna break me out of here?” Benjo hears the thud of approaching shoes, guards are on their way. “I’ll watch any show you want, you get me gone.”
“Certainly not.” God adopts a reproving tone. “You’re like Hogan, always looking for the tunnel to freedom, when all the time it is within you.”
“In me? Is that what you’re trying to teach me? Is this some kinda zen thing? Dammit, God, come clean, wouldja?”
“Now you mention it, Schultz saying ‘I see nothing’ is very zen.” Two guards and a priest stop outside Benjo’s cell. God whispers in his ear, “I think Steve Buscemi would be wonderful playing you.”
One guard steps right on the remains of Benjo’s last supper as he reaches to haul the convict to his feet. Benjo looks wildly around. “Are you still there, God? Don’t let me die!”
“God is with you always,” the priest intones, yawning just a bit.
“I’ll be seeing you, son,” God says too softly for anyone to hear, just as he has said the other times, the other millions of times. A series of doors open for the prisoner, and close, just like on Get Smart.
Report to the General
Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
To: General William Knight
Extract:
In the six months since you assigned me to liaison with Israel Defense Force (IDF) minesweeping operations, I have fully apprised myself with their equipment, procedures, and operational readiness. I repeat my preliminary finding that US forces will be able to adapt Israeli materiel and processes for domestic and international use.
Background:
IDF standard operating procedure has been to demolish the houses of bombers and snipers with bulldozers. With the growing use of landmines by dissidents, a new way of clearing ground needed to be implemented. Designed to be used in both urban and suburban settings, the Gimel Mark IV has proved to be a versatile and effective tool in the arsenal against terrorism. There has been limited testing of the Mark IV outside cities, but IDF plans more testing in the future. Israel’s terrain consists mainly of hills, mountains, valleys, deserts and beaches, while only six percent of the country is covered with forests and woodlands. As Allied Forces intend use mainly in urban, suburban, or desert conditions, this does not pose a problem.
Dissimilarities from Standard Operating Procedure:
First: due to the ambulatory nature of the Gimel unit, it is capable of maneuvering in tighter spaces than US units.
Second: it obeys simple verbal commands, robotically moving to left or right, up or down inclines and stairs, without the need for close operator control. Due to the semi-autonomous nature of their command and control, a 3-man team can manage an array of six Gimels at once. I have watched a team of twelve Gimels clear a twelve-acre field in under an hour, losing only three units in the process.
Third: Gimel units are simple to construct, from inexpensive raw materials.
Conclusion:
I endorse the acquisition of a prototype array of Gimels, with training teams, to include intra-force transfer of religious personnel (Rabbis) as needed. As they will insist on using the traditional name for these units, I suggest we follow their example and call the units ‘Golems’.
Full report to follow.
Yours,
Captain Craig Lancer