Archive for the ‘Ken Brady’ Category
Gunfight Over an 8-Bit Rhythm Two-Step Skank at the O.K. Corral
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
Was all over in a fraction of a second, but then again ain’t everything?
You come here with your big city ways, all clean and shiny. Think we’re dumb radheads. Maybe. Don’t matter: our land, our rules. Truth is – if the truth matters – there’s rules when you can carry a gun. And there’s rules when you can dance – particularly when you can’t. Matters who shot first, who shot true, and who bit the dust.
Dangerous outlaws? They stole shit, raised some hell, but they wasn’t evil or nothing.
Another truth: they was all top of the line. Best defense bots in Arizona. After the bombs, after the meatbags died, after the rise of the New West, there was plenty of defenders and no entertainers. After hackabilly-modding some old 8-bit chips in for behavior units, ain’t no wonder we ended up with cowboys.
You want to know about Zi. I called him Robbie cuz it amused him. Big, crazy tank of a bot with one of them ridiculous clear brain pans, y’know? Not that you coulda saw his brain through the dust. Not that you woulda wanted to – robot of little brain don’t come close.
What started it? Robbie limped up to that stagecoach, opened the door, let out one hell of a high-pitched note. I thought the bots inside was gonna jump through the roof. He says, “I have 256 values to assign. That’s one.”
Then he danced. Just a quick rhythm two-step, then he was running. Did he know it was illegal for a bot to dance in town? Yep. Did he know the 8088 boys was in the stage, waiting for some action? Prolly.
No one says he was bright, but damn that bot could dance. Sometimes you just gotta share.
Not really into 8-bit myself. Fits with the “Now spin your partner till her servos groan” scene, that kinda junk. Me? Drop-d, grinding heavy metal. It’s all about the power chords. But this was special.
Course, the boys caught up to him. He was laying down a full track at 1000 beats per minute. Don’t think that speed woulda been allowed pre-war neither. And he danced, mixing all kinda styles – even some ska skankin’ – with three other Zi mods backing him up.
The boys watched, stunned, then fired. If one Zi had been a nanosecond faster draw, I guess they’d be on top now. Who knows what new styles they’d invented in the seconds that followed. In the eternity after. But 8088s, they can shoot.
In his last moments, Robbie mastered the Rhythm Two-Step Skank with one bad leg while running a Z80. Makes you wonder. Maybe us robots can do anything. Course, just because you can don’t mean you should.
One more truth: it happened right there off Fremont Street and took a fraction of a second.
Not that I expect the truth matters much.
Playing God
Thursday, May 13th, 2010
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Jesus Christ Now Owns Every Major Game Developer
SAN FRANCISCO, January 1 – Playing God Studios (Nasdaq: PGS) today announced its acquisition of the last two major independent studios, making its takeover of the video game industry almost complete.
“I was sick and tired of games not living up to their potential,” said Jesus Christ, CEO of PGS. “Dumbing down titles for the console market just makes me want to scream. I’ve been playing games for a long time. Realizing the futility of fighting the supernatural is good! Sure, Halo hooked me on consoles like everyone else, but it’s just too easy to take down the gods in games these days. Don’t whine if a game is too hard. RTFM, guys.”
In addition to taking over all phases of game ideation, testing, and production, PGS will host multiplayer servers in its proprietary Heavenly Cloud.
“It’s a win-win for everyone,” Jesus said. “No worrying about ratings boards, rehashed ideas, lag, crashed servers. Gamers get better games, parents can be sure their kids will learn how to kill responsibly and in keeping with Christian tradition, and I get richer than Carlos Slim. I am the alpha and omega, concept and gold master. Every phase, it’s all about me.”
Industry heavy-hitters agree these purchases will help PGS acquire millions of new users and bring them into the light.
Square Enix is thrilled. PR director Nao Watanabe said, “Finally, someone else understands that infinite complexity makes games better, and offers more opportunity for hundreds of spin-offs and downloadable content.”
“Not like we can do anything about it,” said Jack Ortega, spokesman for Activision Blizzard. “He’s the son of God. He’s got good lawyers.”
What’s next for PGS? How about banishing inferior game designers to Hell to beta Duke Nukem Forever?
Jesus offered one piece of advice: “If you see me online, don’t challenge me. I only play in God mode. I will fucking smite you.”
Founded in 2011, Playing God Studios was formed by Jesus Christ and a number of angel investors. A long-time gamer, Jesus has become the most sought-after alpha tester in history, coming up with so many good ideas he’s been called the “savior of the game industry.”
If you would like more information, or to schedule an interview with Jesus, call (555) 888-1480 or email jesusfuckingchrist@playinggod.com.
SOURCE: PGS, Inc.