Daft Tales

by Edd

“Rumpelstiltskin. Final answer.”

When the Princess married the pirate Bluebeard, he warned her never ever to open a certain door. And she didn’t.

“A Kevlar sock?” said Achilles. “Cool!”

Witches proving to be a more durable building material than gingerbread, Hansel and Gretel were soon millionaire contractors with ties to the Mafia.

“My, what a big schlong you have, Grandmother,” Red Riding Hood said, triggering the proofreader’s seizure.

When Paul Bunyan was born, he weighed a hundred pounds. Oh, his poor, poor mother.

“Go ahead,” said Lot to his wife. “Look back. See if I care.” So of course she didn’t.

That night, the lion caught the soon-to-be-late mouse sticking thorns into the paws of the rest of his pride.

“I’m going to have to let all of you go. There are elves willing to work cheaper in a sweatshop overseas.”

The princess tossed; the princess turned. Finally she rolled off the soaring stack of mattresses and broke her neck.

“Here is my curse. On her eighteenth birthday she will prick her finger on an iPod headphone jack and die.”

And when the cat said, “A cat may look upon a king,” he was burned as a witch’s familiar.

“First wish, bring me every other item or being capable of granting wishes, with complete instructions.”

To pass the Sirens, Odysseus was tied to the mast while his men put melted beeswax in their ears. After a trip to the emergency room, his men were treated and released.

“Frogs legs! We eat tonight,” said the princess.

When Babe the Blue Ox was born, his mother exploded.

Someone’s been sleeping in my bed. And she tasted just right.

He wasn’t even a very pretty swan.

FAR FROM HOME

by Daniel Braum

I thought I saw something bright green moving in the leaf-free branches of the crab-apple tree. It was another gray December day in New York. The strip mall parking lot was full of holiday shopper’s cars. A bunch of day laborers bundled against the cold waited near the entrance of Home Depo, despite the mid-day hour, hoping that someone would come needing work.

 I found a parking spot under the tree. A green bird swooped from the sky into the branches. A parrot. The tree was full of them. A few dozen tropical birds feasting on the fruit that was still hanging on the tree. A few sparrows and blackbirds were in on the action, looking dull and drab next to the bright green and electric blue feathers.

 I tried to get a picture on my crappy cell phone. Were these the descendants of escaped pets or a lost flock, very far from home?

 There was a commotion by the day laborers. A man in a pickup truck was taking pictures of them.  He wasn’t a cop. The cops mostly turned a blind eye so long as the laborers just waited in the lot without causing incidents. Some of the laborers turned away or pulled their hoods down over their heads. Others paid no mind. And others posed, taunting  the man in the pick up.  

 I just had that bad feeling that something was going to happen. I knew I should be on my way. But the tree was alive with a tropical murmur and layers of sound from the birds. One was taking apart a crab-apple in the branch only feet above my head. I couldn’t help but stand and stare at the delicate lines in the bird’s green-blue tail feathers.

 One of the day laborers walked over to the tree. Paying me no mind he lifted his hand. The bird above me flitted away from its meal and on to him. The man said something to the bird and stroked him gently, like a child. the bird took to the sky, ignoring the free feast and its flock and disappeared high into the gray. My Spanish isn’t so good, but I thought the man said something like, “Go home for me, brother. Tell my wife and daughter I love them.”

 The man in the pick up was out of the truck now. He had a gun instead of a camera in his hand. The group of laborers were backing away from him, fanning out into the street. Nothing had changed but everything had changes about the sound of the wind and birds, the murmur in Spanish and the suburban afternoon buzz. I braced for the bang I knew was about to come.

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